I finished A Wrinkle in Time. I loved the concept about fighting darkness and how artists are people who have done this over the years – well, them and Jesus. Now I’m reading this book, Gilead, because I’ve heard it recommended more than once, and well – it won the Pulitzer Prize. I don’t think I really know what a Pulitzer Prize is because I was surprised to find myself reading a book that had actually won it.
In Gilead, the writer says that when you write, “You feel you are with someone.” I never thought of it that way. I thought I wrote to feel alone. Or at least, to thoroughly explore ideas with only myself listening, because myself is so agreeable and encouraging toward my ideas. Even this blog, which has proven to have a reader here and there, (hi, Mom!), I usually begin it with one sentence in mind. I think to myself, “I love Thursdays.” And then I think, If I keep writing about Thursdays will I eventually hit on the ultimate meaning of life and perhaps solve all the world’s problems and my own mood all at once?
I was alone for a couple of hours yesterday. And I just love being alone sometimes. The quiet is so restorative. But in those moments I always wonder if I only enjoy being alone then, because I don’t usually have to be. And then I worry about getting old and my children moving away and my outliving my husband, as wives tend to do, and I wonder if I will hate being alone in those days. How typical of me to add the bitter to the sweet.
Anyway, even though I thought I wrote to be alone, I think I was wrong. I write here because I’m trying to matter. I write in a journal for my children because I hope they care one day. I write books because I want someone to read them. And even my journal – I’m not just writing to my future self. I think deep down I hope one of my children’s children’s children – you know.
I haven’t read very far into Gilead yet. But it’s a lovely book. Just a bunch of wonderful thoughts written lyrically and woven into a story. And I’ve been thinking that if I could write just one book in a lifetime that was so worth reading, I’d feel proud. “You feel you are with someone.” I think maybe that is true. At least, when I write, I think I’m hoping someone would want to join me there, eventually.