Posted by Serenity in Anne books, sisters, things I love, Writing | 18 Comments
when only God is watching
Felicity thought I would probably write about the whole Taylor Swift moment-stealing by Kanye West. But she did such a good job of it, I figure I can just direct you there. I’ll just say that his apology wasn’t great. But rather than try and perfect the method, perhaps he could just stop doing stupid things.
Felic’s post describes how our character shows through our words and actions. And it reminded me of a gift I got once that said, “Character is who you are when only God is watching.”
When I was a sophomore I threw away all my old journals and diaries. All of them. I put them in a brown paper bag, sealed them with duct tape, and put them in our trash can on the curb. I still try to go back in time and will that 15-year-old girl NOT to do that. You know one reason I threw them out? Because there was too much “Michael” in there. And I was afraid that if I married someone else, those words would hurt that mysterious person’s feelings.
A year or so later, I took up the habit again. I couldn’t help it. I needed to write. Not write, write – it would be a while before that goal really bloomed. But just write. I roll my eyes sometimes when I read my old journals, because I tended to self-correct in them. I would gush or moan or freak out of course. But then I would say, “Of course what I should be feeling is…” or, “But then, at least I’ve learned….”
I didn’t write in a journal during much of my engagement or the first two months of marriage. I remember thinking I would tell Michael everything now, and it felt silly to write my thoughts in a book as if I didn’t want him to see them. Eventually I realized, that wasn’t the reason at all. And I began to tell Michael everything and write it down in the book.
There’s a scene in the movie I want to write one day in which Rilla Blythe runs through the woods with her diary so she can pour her heart out after a grueling week in which England enters World War I and Rilla’s brother and friend both enlist. I see myself that way sometimes. I grab my journal from the shelf by my bed and escape into its pages just like Rilla escapes to the woods. I write exactly what I feel and what I think. I still self-correct, but it’s no longer from the fear that my posterity will loathe me if I didn’t. It’s because the writing actually works things out. And I tend to leave the pages with more perspective than when I opened them.
I’ve been wondering lately if it’s only me. It’s such a huge part of my life, journaling. And I don’t know many other people who still do it. What about you? Do you capture somewhere a bit of who you are when only God is watching?
I just checked out Felicity’s post.
The idea of throwing away anything (esp journals) makes my heart hurt. Probably because I’m such a sentimental person.
As I said before, I don’t journal much, but I think I’ve started to sneak in little bits of myself and my feelings into my stories, which may or may not be a good thing. Also, I write letters to God. I don’t count this as official journaling because there’s no “book” – just loose pieces of paper, a pen and a scribbling hand. And sometimes I find these pieces of myself lying around; other times I don’t.
I still journal, and it’s vitally important to me. I agree that it’s a perspective provider – but also just a place to pour out parts of myself. (Rilla is one of my journaling role models too!) And I still have all my old journals – it does make me sad that you threw yours away. I’m sure I was/am silly in them at times, but they are a testament to the fact that I need to write, and that it helps me figure out who I am.
I don’t journal, but I teach other people how to journal! : ) How messed up is that? I use journals in my Disciplines of Life class because there are so many wonderful uses for a journal in your spiritual life.
A few from Donald S. Whitney:
1. self-understanding and evaluation
2. expressing thoughts and feelings to the Lord
3. remembering the Lord’s work in your life and around you
4. creating and preserving a spiritual heritage
5. clarifying and articulating insights and impressions
6. monitoring goals and priorities
7. keeping record of other spiritual disciplines
That is from his book Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life, Chapter 11 “Journaling for the Purpose of Godliness.”
I journal sporadically in the early mornings, and I love to go back on a dry day and find things that moved me in the weeks or months before. We have a journal from my grandfather, written approximately 80 years ago, that is a real treasure. (I’m turning it into a novel someday).
I am still loving the fact that you know Rilla.
I do journal, but not regularly. The one I have now, half-way finished, is seven years old. I actually feel I am not my whole self there, no matter how I try. There is always some measure of self-editing, like there is an audience beyond myself I need to be aware of. It’s not what I want but unfortunately have never learned to push past it.
I feel more centered after journaling, as most of the time my entries are emotional rants. So, as far as being a balanced view of who I am, they’re not. They are valuable, though. I’ve tossed a journal, too and am curious what was in there now.
Journaling has always been a part of who I am. It’s something I like to do and it totally helps me work out stuff. I feel especially close to God when I’m journaling and looking at a sunset.
Everyone I know of says that REAL journaling means pen on paper, with said paper being either in a hardbound book (you know, a JOURNAL) or a spiral-bound notebook. My wife scoffs at what I call my journal which I carry around in my briefcase — it’s a thumb drive. Come on folks! It’s 2009! I realize that some traditions die hard, but surely I can journal from the comfort of my keyboard. Anyone else with me on this?
I realize that it’s hard to detect the wet smudges on my word-processing file that are telling in an old-fashioned paper journal where tears have made their mark. Also lost is the frantic, inconsistent handwriting which can also convey emotions well beyond the words actually penned.
But it’s worth it to have a password-encrypted journal that you can carry around comfortably in your front pocket.
Brett, I totally concede your right to journal on that – thing. I just think it’s cool that you do it at all. I am loving Felic’s list here. And I hope people who want to journal but haven’t yet will read these comments – it seems we all agree on its cathartic factor. Caroline Starr Rose, you could try writing a couple entries that you immediately destroy – so that you can for sure be yourself. I’ve written an angry letter or two that way. You’ll either get better at being yourself or you’ll discover that the self-edit version isn’t really all that far off. After all, we’re probably supposed to do a bit of that even in real life.
I am trying to keep an art journal – I never made it past the first page on a written journal, but i am really loving the time i find to work on my art journal. Some writing, paint, collage – little pieces of my life in paint and words and time to create again – feels good! I agree though, journaling in whatever form works for you is good for the soul.
Wish I could find a little more time and figure out how to balance it with the rest of my life! I spend a lot of time thinking of pages I would like to journal and not getting around to it. My best creative hours are 10- midnight and I don’t always feel up for that. When I get supplies out with the girls I always end up trying to keep the mess from getting too out of control, but they have some great journals and I hope they will keep it up as they get older; and someday I can imagine creative time together that doesn’t get too crazy…someday!
Ooh, I love it! An art journal! I write in journals for my boys, but it’s even cooler to me to see them write about their own lives. I love that your girls have their own art journals.
I journal for several reasons. It’s how I work through what I’m thinking or feeling. It’s sometimes like a form of prayer for me. As someone who deals with depression, it’s also a great way of creating a record of precisely what’s going on inside for when I talk to the clinical professionals.
I like the character quote, but I would alter it slightly before using it myself. If character is “who we are when only God is watching,” and we think anyone has good character, I would suggest we are being less than honest. I would change it from “who we are,” which to me includes things like emotions and impulses, to “what we do.” Someone who never wants to beat the living tar out of someone (Living tar? What is that exactly?) is either lying or not human. What we do with those feelings is something else entirely.
I don’t want to imitate the person who never gets mad until they’ve finally boiled over and do things they regret (although I do imitate them too often). I want to imitate the person who gets mad but channels that anger appropriately. I don’t want my kids to be impressed by the person who never wants to swipe a candy bar, but by the person who wants to but doesn’t.
Or maybe it’s just me who has rotten character; that’s another possibility!
No, Matt, I agree. That’s a good adjustment to that quote.
I don’t “journal” per se, but I do write – and in the writing I often find a connection to the heart of God, or I find release, or I find good (not always good, but mostly). I’m reminded of a scripture in Joshua 4:
4 So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, 5 and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”
The things I write are my “memorial stones.” They are the “mental pictures” along the way, the markers, that testify where I’ve been. Too, they can be the signposts that point the way forward in the midst of difficult times.
When I pick up my writings and re-read them later, I am reminded of where I was at the time, what was happening, what I was thinking, what God was saying/challenging/doing, what incite was provided, what lesson was learned. Some day, when others ask “What do these mean?” I will have an opportunity to explain, to challenge, to encourage, to satisfy, to provoke – or simply smile and remember how good my God has been to me.
I used to journal in book-form but most recently I tend to write my thoughts down on my blog… when I have time. Sadly I don’t do it as much as I would like. I too find that writing helps me think things through… it causes me to put into writing what I hear God saying to me… it solidifies His Words to me.
I did throw some journals away at one time. They were journals from a time period in my life where I was really hurt and very angry a majority of the time. I threw them away because I felt that was a way of completely putting away the past and forgiving those I was angry with. I knew in that moment it was God telling me to “let go” of the anger and the pain and in that gesture… healing in my heart began. I know I’m not the same person I was back then and I am SO thankful for that!
I love all these comments. I loved Felicity’s list… I LOVE reading the writing blogs of my friends, Felicity, Serenity, Kathy & Cheri… they are amazing and speak words of truth. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and words with the rest of us!
I love writing in my journal and have done it for most of my life. I’ve thrown a few of them away over the years. I used to think I should throw more of them away because when I’m gone there’s no way my kids and grandkids are going to want to sit and read all those thoughts of mine.
But then my mom passed away and I found her journals. What a treasure of her walk with God! They reveal her struggle with her faith in God and in the latter years, her battle with her desire to be healthy and not be a burden. At times when I miss her, I turn to her writing — even her handwriting comforts me — and her words somehow soothe my heart.
So, I’m sure I will keep writing in my journals, and they’ll keep collecting dust; but one day maybe they’ll comfort my children too.
Oh Seren! I wish I could find those journals for you. The most awesome thing about your words here, for me was that you thought so much of who you might marry one day, their feelings were already important to you.
Oh how glad I am that it was Michael. I dont know if he chose you, or you chose him, or if fate said, I’m going to choose THEM.
And them, became the Bohons.
*sigh*
“it’s a love story, baby just say yessssss”
=)
I’ve journaled off and on since I was very young… and Horror of Horrors…I have journaled electronically…until my ex-husbands brother swiped my file and cracked the password on it…Go figure…
I also keep journals for the kids. I don’t do it nearly as often as I would like (a common phrase when discussing journalling) but I’ve resolved myself to that fact that SOMEDAY a few days of journaling will be more important to someone than if I had NEVER written anything…
I’ve also thrown away my fair share of pages that I didn’t want anyone else to see…but mostly because I didn’t want to see them anymore. They were parts of me I didn’t like…hateful, dark thoughts that came in what I thought then were awful times in my life.
I do keep my own journal, but I like writing poetry more. My thoughts always come out that way it seems. When I sit down to write paragraphs I freeze…but when I think in lyrics and phrases, it comes easier. I have notebooks and napkins and scraps tucked away in an old leather attache case, each with a bit of me on them…
A day will come when I can drag all of them out and do something with them…
It’s definitely my favorite love story, Tiff. :) And this has been one of my favorite posts. I’m thrilled so many of you shared journaling stories. Because of a tweet I sent about it, a person started following me who makes hand-bound leather journals. They are gorgeous. She’s on etsy, and I thought some of you might want to check it out. Her name is Julie Boyles. I like spiral-bound hard back journals right now, but these are seriously pretty. I may have to try one someday.