If you’ve known me more than a minute, you know I’ve experienced day jobs a very specific way. I thought it was simpler than it was: I thought no matter the job I would deep-down hate it because it wasn’t singing or acting or writing. I basically feel (still present-tense) no job could fully replace my wish to be an artist. I don’t even care if I’m a no-name in the biz; I just want to feel, when it comes right down to it, Emma Stone is my sister.
The established truth has been that I create mostly in a desperate attempt to work myself out of the day job. It’s the worst possible motivation for making things. It doesn’t work, and it makes me miserable.
As I wrote last fall, I have a new job now. And the dynamics I was used to are totally upside down.
I am happy at work.
I am stuck at art.
I’m not lost at art or broken or giving up. I’m just stuck. I can no longer see the rosy tunnel to an actual creative career. I’ve read Real Artists Don’t Starve and I subscribe to email lists about how to be more productive, market better, make stuff that succeeds; but I find I don’t know what to do with any of it. I’m writing a novel I’m totally unsure about—Erin Morgenstern (author of The Night Circus) would say it’s not even “book-shaped” yet. And I have other not-yet book-shaped ideas, but I don’t see yet how or if any of it will come together.
This is all I know and what I hope: I hope being happy in the job helps me return to the truth of creative work, the Big Magic stuff, the part where you do it from the sheer, uplifting joy of it.
My Being Mama years are swiftly flying. My cancer updates are downright boring lately, though the book I wrote about it is still true. I live within six miles of where I was born and feel okay about that most of the time as long as I can go places occasionally and live in a house I love. My life so far is so much life and I’m grateful every day. Next, I hope and pray, is more art.
My word for 2018 is Anne. It’s a strange word to guide a year, but it’s my particular lighthouse right now because Anne of Green Gables (and the series of books that followed) are the “books I read as a child” that most make me want to write today. Both the series and their author are the inspiration for the novel I’m trying to make book-shaped. And my favorite book in the series is the reason I’m taking on a secret, no-agenda, creative exercise I call my one big wish. Anne is my muse, my happiness, my reminder to tell stories because I love them and for no other reason.
This is my life so far. I’ve chronicled most of it, and I’m sure I’ll share the rest because me. Watch for it here, I guess. I can’t promise anything.
Oh, actually, you just promised us So Much. We are eagerly waiting to receive your art. Even in the form of the next blog post. And I say that as a reader, not your mother. :)
Thank you, Mama. You as a reader were indeed my muse for dipping my toes into the blogosphere again. You as my mother are my muse for everything.
You are Anne, or at least, you’ve always been to me. Keep engaging with the dream. Maybe it’s taking longer because it isn’t really just a book, it’s more. Maybe it is a series, maybe it something else. It’ll get there and I’m happy to follow the journey.
Oh dear, it makes my day to be called your Anne. Thank you for the “keep on”.
I find that there are always ebbs and flows to your feeling toward creating art. I don’t consider myself an artist, though I have been told I am thought my quilting, and there are times when my mind races with ideas, and I can’t possibly get even a fraction of them started, let alone finished. Other times, I got nothin’. I appreciate others in their creation of art, but I can’t find the inspiration to create myself. And I have found that to be okay. The inspiration undoubtedly always returns, and I just love creating for the sake of creating when I feel inspired, and just seeing what happens! (I don’t always have a plan, I just ‘go with it”! Enjoy each moment, don’t pressure yourself to always come up with something unique, and just live each day to its fullest. At some point, your inspiration to create will be there, and it will be amazing!
Andrea, this is gold. Thank you for commenting. Encouragement from a fellow artist in my same workplace is kind of ridiculously uplifting. <3
Random Question: Have you ever been to a Writer’s Conference? My life was legit changed the moment I walked onto that campus for Realm Makers in 2015. While a speculative conference may not be any help, finding like-minded authors and getting inspiration from seasoned vets made all the difference for me. I still have large spans of creativity dry-spells, but at least I have people to share them with. :)
That’s not a random question; it’s quite relevant. I *have* been to a couple conferences. I thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of being around like-minds. That tribe thing is critical, I know. (Finding a “scene” is how Goins describes it in Real Artists Don’t Starve.) And I do think it’s something I lack.
Play dough thoughts. I can always handle your writings, and they become mine in the process. The hyphenated word fits: book-shaped. It’s coming by surprise, no doubt.
Yes, the phrase is perfect, isn’t it? I’m not sure I’ve learned yet what fully book-shaped looks like in fiction.
Reading this makes me smile because you have such passion. A passion for being an artist. A passion for being a mother. A passion for life. I smile because our house was able to assist in your growing “Anne-ness.” Happy 2018 my friend.
Yes, you did!! I have at least ten different copies now. The one I got from Abbey is my sixth in hardback. :)
I am so glad you’re happy at work. And I hear you on the being stuck. Love that word, and your gratitude and determination. xo